Childlessness; a scar or an open wound?

Childlessness; a scar or an open wound?

authentic me
Here I am with my birthmark

When I was born I was flawless, but a few weeks later I developed a brown birthmark just above my right knee. In my first year at school I had a skin graft on my leg to remove it. During my 3 weeks in hospital I had a cage placed over my leg, the girl in the opposite bed had burns because her nightdress had caught on fire. I’m glad I had the operation because the mark was unsightly and would have been really noticeable, especially when I was playing sport at school.

Over the years it faded but it was still prominent, and now it’s a scar in the shape of an iron. If asked I might tell you the whole story, but I might tell you that I was burned, it depends. It’s part of me, it makes me who I am. An experience I went through which was a challenge at the time and still leaves a visible scar.

I have other scars; I’ve had surgery on my ankle and on my wrist twice, they’ve almost faded now, and I have others inside such as where I chipped a bone in my finger playing hockey.

I also have scars you can’t see. I have scars on my heart, scars from the loss of my parents and also from my unborn children.

Scars come from wounds, visible and invisible. I know that to heal, sometimes a wound needs to be left alone, other times to be tended carefully with an appropriate dressing. If it’s deep, then you may need stitches and if you keep picking at it, it takes longer to heal and leaves a bigger scar.

With the right care and time wounds become scars and they too fade.

Isn’t infertility/childlessness just like that?

What you went through left deep wounds so it’s not surprising that you haven’t healed automatically. It’s not surprising that, like an actual physical wound you need some careful nurturing to get back on your feet. And it wouldn’t be at all surprising if you needed someone to help you. After all if you had an actual wound, you’d see a Doctor wouldn’t you?

I only healed when I got help from a specialist. Doing my grief work, learning NLP and other techniques that I now use in the Let Go and Move On Programme provided the balm that my wounds needed.

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And after

My visible scars have faded now, even disappeared. The skin graft was a big operation and the scar will always be there, its’ part of me. I can trace the outline through my jeans but I don’t think about it.

My invisible scars have faded too. My unborn children are scars on my heart sitting alongside the scars from the deaths of my parents.

I can live with a scar or two, I can move forward in life with a scar, I can be happy with a scar.

There may be moments when something triggers a memory of the grief and loss I went through to get the scar, and that’s what they are now, memories. They don’t hurt anymore. There are happy memories combined with the sad, and I can tell you stories about these too.

I can tell you that, yes, it hurt a lot at the time and it’s healed now, I’ve healed now.

And like my birthmark, I may tell you about my childlessness, or not. It’s my choice whether I tell you, because now I tell you my stories from my scars not my wounds.

How are you healing your infertility/childless wounds?

How does this resonate with you? Is what you’ve been through still an open wound? If you’ve taken action and it’s now a scar, sharing your tips below will help others (you can use another name).

Taking the right action to heal my wounds changed my life. If you’d like to do that but it’s too much of a challenge right now, check out the Let Go and Move On Programme and see how it can help you.

If you’re not sure what action to take, I’d love to have a chat. You can book a complimentary session via my online diary at and we will spend 20 to 30 minutes to get clarity on how we can work together to create a life you love.

2 thoughts on “Childlessness; a scar or an open wound?”

  1. I think it will be a scar someday, but for a long time and for many people, it will be more like a scab. It starts as a wound, and slowly the scab forms. Sometimes it gets scraped off and reveals the open wound, and it hurts almost as much as it did in the beginning, but it does eventually scab over again. As time goes on, the scab gets stronger and the wound underneath is smaller and hurts less, but the scab can still be scraped off. I think eventually it will turn into a scar that can’t be penetrated, but I think that probably takes a very, very long time.
    Dipitie recently posted…One More HeartbreakMy Profile

    • Thanks for your comment Dipite. You’re right about the process, yes it first has to scab over and eventually becomes a scar. I don’t agree with you completely in that it takes a very, very long time though. Yes it can if you leave it to heal naturally AND if you use the right treatment (ie get help from someone who’s an expert) you can shorten that timescale.

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