Courage or comfort, what’s your choice?

I don’t know about you, but my year has already been a bit of a rollercoaster.

In my last blog I wrote how I planned to slow down in January, that I would spend time connecting and nurturing my inner energy source so it was ready for spring.

Unfortunately I didn’t manage to follow my own advice.

I spent time each day mediating, journaling and I attended more yoga classes than normal. And in between it has been a bit of a rollercoaster if I’m honest. In a good way.

Choosing courage over comfort

In early Jan I was ready to send copies of the manuscript for my book to a few volunteer readers and I spent  a lo of time with my my finger poised over the ‘send’ button.

My inner voice was telling me that I could stop now, why subject myself to (negative) feedback.

After a while I realised I was back in the dilemma I’ve faced many times. I’ve sent out chapters before, asking only for positive feedback (because that’s what I needed to hear at the time). This had become comfortable. Circulating the whole book, and asking for a critique too, this was going to take a lot of courage.

I reminded myself that courage is one of my values. And it is so because of this quote by Brené Brown.

‘We can choose courage, or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time’

I spent over ten years choosing comfort and all that happened was the years passed. Keeping my manuscript on my computer would be comfortable.

I reminded myself how much my life has been transformed by choosing courage.

This was not the time to back out.

After pressing send I spent a week or so in limbo, distracting myself with other tasks and all the time asking myself ‘what will they think?’

What will they think?

And it was okay. In the past week or so I’ve been collecting feedback all of which has been helpful.

It was interesting to hear each person’s opinion and how also how they vary. Mostly I was overwhelmed by their positivity. When I started writing I hoped I would connect with readers and it seems I do.

I am in the process of absorbing and the comments and deciding which ones I will incorporate.

And now the rollercoaster begins….   

Then a couple of days ago the rollercoaster really took off when I confirmed the publication timetable with my publisher, Dr Andrea Pennington (I will be submitting my completed manuscript by the end of February and the book will be published in mid-June).

My first reaction was excitement and I might have said ‘f**k’ a few times.

The next morning everything changed as reality started to sink in.

This is it

This is it now. It’s actually happening.

I will soon be holding my book in my hand.

This is a VERY BIG THING for me which is changing me fundamentally. Many tears were shed as I started down the road to acceptance. To accept this not just in my head but with all of me, my heart & body. I meditated, I journaled both of which helped and I was still struggling.

Luckily I had a Yin yoga lesson in the afternoon and my incredibly wise teacher Emma Peel (who always knows better than I do what will help me) guided me through a physical and challenging sequence which brought me back into my body, to my roots and to me; the me I’ve discovered by peeling off layers of armour on her yoga mat.

Today, as I write this I feel much more like me, and it’s a different me yet again.

These past couple of days have been a bit of a challenging ride to come to acceptance, and now I’ve got my stability back together with a new determination.

I have three weeks to finish my manuscript, which will require some attention to detail (which is not my strength or preference) but I will do what it takes because publishing my book is my focus.

And it all comes back to this

At any time I lose focus I remind myself of these words I have chosen to live by. This is my life and my story. And I WILL write the ending.

Like almost everyone else, my life didn’t turn out as planned but I won’t let what happened in the past determine what happens next. I’m sure I will face many more challenges in the next few months (because that’s the price to pay for choosing courage) but because of the work I’ve done my roots are strong and each time I’m challenged I learn more about myself and grow stronger inside.

And as the quote says whatever happens I will do my best to show up, be seen, own my story and write my own ending.

What about you?

Of course it wouldn’t be one of my blogs if I didn’t end with at least one question. So let me ask you;

• How have you been choosing comfort and how would your life change if you chose courage?
• Who is in control of your life, who’s writing your story? What difference would it make if you took control and wrote your own ending?

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