I don’t know about you, but as the seasons start to change I find myself reflecting on the past and particularly on my own steps to healing and the key factors that helped me along the way. My hope is that you’ll read about my journey and realise that you can do the same.
When we finished fertility treatment it felt like we’d been thrown off the rollercoaster with no parachute and no one to show us the way down. We really struggled to find our way on our own.
Looking back there were two key things I did that made a real difference; personally my biggest healing happened when I either took action or asked for help.
Taking Action
An early step in our healing process was joining MoreToLife (MTL) and I can’t imagine our life now without the support and friendship we had and continue to have from our MTL friends. Finding a community and a safe place to tell our story was such a positive step to healing. And we find that we have so much more in common with them than we do with some of our friends who have children,
Apart from joining MTL I spent almost 10 years hoping that things would get better. And, surprise, surprise, they didn’t. In some ways they got worse as my Mum died and my Dad was seriously ill. At that time I realised that life was too short not to do what you enjoy and so I gave up my job. A major step certainly and not one I would generally recommend.
I was unsure what to do next. I’ve found that not having children opens up possibilities in life; however it can also be difficult to decide how to make the most of them!
My motivation to learn Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) was to discover my purpose and passion in life. It did that to some extent, but more importantly the work I did finally healed the grief and sadness that I’d been carrying and enabled me to move on with my life.
I learned so many things during the training and one of the most important was the mindset of cause and effect which I described in the previous Small Steps to Healing post. I’m still working on it, but I have to say that being At Cause has been a major influence in enabling me to have the life I want.
I started keeping a journal ten years ago and these days I write when I feel particularly negative or positive. Writing down my thoughts, feelings and achievements has been so helpful especially looking back to see how far I’ve come.
Asking for help
I’m descended from several generations of Yorkshire ‘pull yourself together and get on with it’ stock so asking for help doesn’t come easily. Over the years I’ve learned that I can’t do it all on my own, and why should I, especially when there are others who’ve been through what I have and know some of the answers.
And when I’ve asked for help the results have been transformational.
I learned so much from my fellow NLP students and teacher; without them I would still be carrying those painful emotions.
I discovered that having your own website and business is more complicated than I first thought; and if I hadn’t asked for and found help, I believe I would have given up by now.
And really importantly the help I got from the wonderful ladies who opened their hearts to me by telling me their stories was integral in reminding me why helping childless women is so important.
And now the sunrise
In 2011 we had our second rafting trip on the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon; a life changing experience. One morning we got up at 4am and walked (well scrambled; when you’re by river the only way is up), to see the sunrise. It was a real struggle for me; I almost gave up a couple of times and wouldn’t have made it without asking for help.
And my reward was the most amazing sunrise that I’ll ever experience. (This isn’t a great photo – I was too exhausted to take a good one….)
What I learned
It hasn’t been easy, especially asking for help, however what I’ve learned is this.
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If you wait until you’re unafraid before you do something, then you’ll probably never do it.
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If you wait until you’re perfect or know exactly what you’re doing, then you’ll also probably never do it,
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A comfortable life is, well comfortable, but it’s also not what I want and it won’t take me where I want to go.
The way I transformed my life was by being brave and courageous, taking “the bull by the horns” and asking for help. The saying that ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ has certainly been true for me. It’s been stretched and pulled beyond imagination and I feel so much better for it.
My hope for you is that you find the courage to move forward with your life. You’re more ready than you think.
As ever, if this is helpful (or not) please let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me.
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