The secret to no longer being a Victim (Cause v Effect)

How are you getting on with the first 2 steps? Do you agree that writing a journal and getting all your thoughts and feelings out and including what you’re grateful for are really helpful Small Steps to Healing?

grasses resizedPersonally I sometimes feel a bit like an extra on the Monty Python song “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” and, you know it can be a bit like that but, as I mentioned in my last post, if you follow these you’ll soon start to see the benefits if you haven’t already.

Trust me; slowly turning round your mindset to be more positive is a REALLY IMPORTANT step in the healing process. It may take some time, (that’s why I’ve called this series ‘Small Steps to Healing’) but bear with me and I assure you it WILL be worth the effort.

As the great Carl Jung said ‘I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become’  so, as much as I’d love to do this for you I’m afraid I can’t, this healing will only work if YOU CHOOSE AND WANT to do it and are willing to WORK WITH ME.

Are you ready to move on?

Taking Responsibility – Cause and Effect

To continue the theme of choice, our next step is about the importance of taking responsibility for your thoughts. I’ll explain why it’s important, what it will mean when you’ve made the change and how to do it. I know from my own experience and that of others that fully taking this on board WILL change your life and the lives of the people around you.

Victim (at Effect)

Let’s take two extremes. We all know people who believe there are causes out there, (people, things etc), and because of that/those, they can or can’t do things. They believe they’re the victim, blaming others or circumstances for things that have happened or for life in general.

They feel powerless, they depend on others to feel good about themselves or about life, so one of their catchphrases is If only (eg they would stop talking about their children……..) then …. .( life would be great.)

So I’m sure by now you’ve realised that this mindset of waiting and hoping for things to be different or for others to change, makes you victim and you’ve handed over your power to others.

To be fair, we’ve all done it, partly because it’s easy, BUT (and it’s a big BUT) how likely is it that THEY will change? Realistically it’s not going to happen is it?  And how much fun is it when you are being a victim? And how good is it for others close to you?

It’s like being a passenger in a car, not being in control of where you’re going and allowing events and memories to control you.  Some of the characteristics of being at Effect are: blame, can’t do, victim, complaining, making excuses, negative attitude.

Taking Responsibility (at Cause)

Let’s take a look at the alternative. When things happen at you’re at Cause you actively choose to take responsibility for your results and feelings, and you know that no one can ever “make” you do or feel anything.

It’s about saying even though xx has happened, I can choose how I want to feel, and how I move forward.  It’s about being in the driver’s seat and starting to steer your life to where you want to go.  You’ll start to see the world as a place of opportunity and begin to move towards achieving what you want.

Being at cause means you have choices in your life. It’s about knowing that you can’t control the world but you can control your world and your reaction. When you’re taking responsibility, you’re in charge of your mind, what you say, do and feel and therefore how you react to any situation, good or bad.  Some of the characteristics are: Gets results, a ‘can do’ and positive attitude, confidence, and belief.

Example time

I recall getting upset when a friend was always talking about her children. I realised that she didn’t realise how much he was hurting me so I gathered my courage and spoke to her.  It was hard but it really improved our relationship.

That’s all very well but it’s not that easy is it?

Yes you’re right, it may be hard at first. It takes a bit of work and conscious awareness and sometimes you’ll only be aware afterwards that you were at effect.

So to start you off gently, as you write your journal and you consider the events of the day, ask yourself:

  • If I’d been at cause today (or for 30 mins/ an hour) what difference would that have made?
  • How can I be at cause tomorrow?
  • Also I invite you to consider some of the positive things that you’ve achieved in your life, and think about how many of those where you at Cause?

Do I always live my life at cause?

No, although these days most of the time I do. And thanks to the work I’ve done and my awareness, I’m able to quickly identify those times when I’m at effect, and change.

We all have choices in life.  When you’re at Cause you make them actively and positively.  When you’re at Effect you’ve chosen not to choose but to be responsive to whatever happens to you.

So which would you prefer?  

It might take you a little while to grasp this fully, so give yourself time to let it sink in. And when it does you’ll realise what a very positive step this it to starting to walk towards the light.

As ever, if this is helpful (or not) please let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me.

 P.S. Pass it on

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