This week’s inspirational story is from Dipitie who is a blogger and has been writing about her IVF journey for over 3 years. She says that ‘overall I’m happy and satisfied with my life’ and she still has the odd moments of bitterness and anger.
Her story had a big turning point, to carry on with treatment and or to move to a new town and new job. Dipitie and her husband, ‘chose happiness now rather than the chance of happiness with all the hardship taking that chance would bring’. A bold decision and one that she’s been happy with.
One of Dipitie’s positives is the freedom she has in her life, essentially the ‘freedom to have my own life, instead of a life some of my friends lead that is lived solely for their children.’ That’s a massive learning and something that’s important to me too.
This path that we walk has many challenges and I find it really positive to read of those women who are living a life they love.
Her advice to ‘take care of yourself’ is obvious really and shouldn’t need to be said, BUT how many of us do that? I know I didn’t, and truth be told still don’t a much of the time. There’s more advice and you’ll need to read on to find out what it is.
Over to Dipitie,
1. Where are you on your journey now?
After four years of trying to conceive, two failed IVFs and a miscarriage, my husband and I decided to radically change our lives simultaneously walking away from infertility treatment. So we picked up and moved from a large city to a very small mountain town. That was over three years ago. Life is simpler and more enjoyable most of the time. I range between okay to generally bitter about my infertility, but overall I’m happy and satisfied with my life.
2. What’s your story?
My husband and I got married relatively late in life at 34 years of age. A few months later we decided to begin trying to get pregnant.
I wasn’t quite to advanced maternal age, and I really didn’t even think there would be a problem, but month and after month, nothing happened.
After 12 cycles, we went to see a reproductive endocrinologist who told us that my husband’s sperm had issues with motility and morphology. They gave us no chance to get pregnant naturally, that we would need IVF with ICSI, which was not in the budget. He saw a urologist who performed a varicocele repair but that did not help.
We were lucky to get accepted into an IVF Clinical Trial, but unfortunately, I only produced three eggs and only two embryos survived to day three and were transferred. Unfortunately, I did not get pregnant. A few months later we were lucky again and my husband’s new company had infertility treatment coverage. He was laid off soon after, so we scraped to continue coverage through cobra and to pay the out of pocket expenses involved with IVF.
Our next cycle only gave us one embryo, which my RE recommended we freeze and then start a new cycle. The next cycle I barely had any mature eggs. I had decided at that point that was doing a transfer even if all I had was that one embryo from the previous cycle. Miraculously, two more eggs matured and fertilized normally, so we were able to transfer three embryos, and again, miraculously, I got pregnant by one of them.
That’s where the miracles ended. At my 9 week ultrasound, the little heart had stopped beating and I had to go in for a D&C. We did the genetic testing, and found that this little baby was a girl with Turner Syndrome. My RE said we could start again when I started my period, but he also recommended that we do donor egg.
I remember those 6 weeks after the D&C, begging for my body to get back on board so we could start all over again. I craved the injections and the daily visits to the clinic. Most of all, I craved being pregnant, more than ever before.
In that same period of time, I was laid off from my current (shitty) job, and almost within a week was offered a new, better job. The caveat was that it was in a small town with no infertility clinic that was also 6 hours away from where we were currently living. That small town was also an amazing place to live.
So our choices were to stay where we were, in a place I had grown to hate, both of us unemployed, and continuing to rack up debt while we continued with infertility treatments, OR take a new job, move to a new area, and make happiness our first priority. We chose happiness now rather than the chance of happiness with all the hardship taking that chance would bring.
3. What helped you to heal/how did you deal with your grief?
Time, most of all. I hate when people use that saying when they don’t know what else to say, but time really does help. I took a lot of time for myself. I started running again, because I was not allowed to run during treatments. I hiked a lot and enjoyed the beauty of where I was now living. I focused on all the reasons why this was the best choice for us, even when I grieved the lack of children or our eventually bad luck.
4. What are the positives (gifts) for you of not having children?
Children cost a lot of money, so I like to think of all the things we can do because we don’t have children. We’re still paying off the debt incurred when my husband was unemployed, and I can only imagine how much harder that would be if we had even one child to take care of. We are also free to do what we want, especially things that aren’t children friendly – go wine tasting, take small vacations, work late even.
5. What has not having children made possible for you?
I have freedom. Freedom to move to the small town I love. Freedom to take the jobs that would have conflicted with parenthood and the responsibilities that come with it. Freedom to sleep in when I’m tired or stay in bed when I’m sick. Freedom to go on day long hikes, including climbing Mount Whitney. Freedom to buy new lipstick instead of diapers. Freedom to have my own life, instead of a life some of my friends lead that is lived solely for their children.
6. Is there anything missing in your life? (and what do you plan to do about it?)
Family is missing. Our little family of 2+2 dogs is not quite enough. We have made a small family of friends that we do holidays with, but our biological families are spread out over 2000 miles and nobody is that close. I’m not sure there is anything that can be done, at least not now. I am hopeful that I will be able to be closer to mine at some point.
7. How are you different now (who are you now)?
I think I’m still the same person. I think everyone has hardship, and I had plenty of hardship in my own life even before infertility. I know that my own experiences are better than some and worse than others, but I think all of it has made me a stronger person.
8. What advice would you give to women who are not as far down the road as you are?
Take care of yourself, and always try to examine your feelings as you continue down the path. I know I felt things that took me away from what I truly wanted and was ready for. Having the time between my D&C and my period gave me that time, and while I was desperate to start again, I am glad my body did not let me because it gave me time to truly consider what I really wanted and what was best for me.
Also, don’t be afraid to make a decision contrary to popular opinion or against the advice of others, provided it’s the right decision for you.
9. What brings you joy/what’s your passion?
I have a lot of hobbies. I love being outside, whether it’s running, hiking, snowshoeing or cross country skiing. I read a lot, and I knit as well, which those are things I can do during quiet
time with my husband and dogs. All of those things make me happy.
10. What’s your 6 word memoir?
Tough times make for tough people
You can read more from Dipitie on her blog which is refreshingly called ‘A little more to life‘
What do you think?
How did this Inspirational Story resonate with you? Please share your comments below to help other women.
Taking control of my story and really owning it changed my life. If you’d like to do that but it’s too much of a challenge right now, check out the Let Go and Move On Programme and see how it can help you.
If you would like to take control of your life and your story and inspire others I’d love to feature you. You can use your real name or any other that you chose to give me, and I’ll happily promote your website or blog.