I came across Hayley when she wrote another post and asked her to write her inspirational story for us. Reading her story brought up mixed emotions in me, and I’m sure it will do for you too.
She’s our youngest writer so far and at just 22 and it saddens me that she’s had to deal with so much. Her positivity shines through her story and having a loving and supportive husband has undoubtedly helped her to say that ‘we don’t feel like we need children to complete us.’
It’s so positive that Hayley can say that she’s ‘realised my own strength as a woman’ and not being able to have children ‘makes me no less of a woman’ and I’m sure this strength will help her in the years ahead.
Like many of us, Hayley wonders whether those with children wish they’d chosen not to have them, and I admire her courage in asking her mother the question. You’ll have to read on to find out the answer.
Infertility comes to us in many different ways, and I wonder whether it’s helpful (or not) to know at such a young age that you can’t have children?
1. Where are you on your journey now?
Right now I’m 22 and my husband, Antonio is 30. We’ve been married for 2 years and struggled with fertility from the start. We are madly in love and have a bond like no other. We’re happy enjoying each other’s company, saving our money to travel and being able to go out, go away and do what we like when we like. This has made us even closer and we don’t feel like we need children to complete us.
2. What’s your story?
When I met Antonio it was love at first sight for both of us, I knew from the start that I wanted to spend my life with him. I wasn’t looking for love but it found me. We longed for children and after being married for almost a year and trying every remedy under the sun, watching everyone else happily announce their pregnancies we knew something was wrong. We made an appointment and both got tested.
Sitting in the doctor’s office, I could tell by the look on her face that our worst fears were being confirmed. There was 1 percent chance that we could ever conceive naturally. We both broke down and held each other. We cried for days and had to tell our family the news. Now as much as we love our parents they are probably the worst people to get help from because they have us. They don’t know how it feels.
We saw fertility doctors, went for a round of IVF and, considering I’m terrified of needles I knew it was too much for me. I hated the thought of someone else controlling my whole body but if I didn’t try I would forever think what if. So we went for it.
It was terrifying, draining and we vowed we would never do it again. He saw the pain in my eyes and felt the pain in my heart. We had baby names lined up and every month when my period started it was another agonising month I wasn’t pregnant. I would cry every single cycle, every time I saw a baby. I couldn’t even watch a film with babies in it. Every month I was grieving and crying for a loss I never had.
3. What helped you to heal/how did you deal with your grief?
Instead of looking at all the positives of people with children; the miracle, the creation, the love, I started looking at the difficulties of having children. The sleepless nights, life revolving around them, the costs and constant worry they cause. You ask someone with children would they ever take it back and of course they will always say no.
So I asked the one woman who would give me a real answer, my own mother. I was a difficult teenager and caused them a lot of heartache. Plus my parents would have been way better off financially without me. I asked her honestly, and she said, as much as she loves me, that she wishes she could go back and have a better quality of life which would mean never having me. She sees the life I and my husband have and she is jealous that she never got that selfish life with her husband and instead everything was done for me.
I knew she was the only person who would answer me honestly about whether she would take having children back. It gave me all the clarification I needed because as a mother she envied the life I had which showed me that being able to live my life to the fullest was going to be far more fulfilling than motherhood.
Time and focusing on other things helped us grieve, setting realistic goals. Okay so having a baby is beyond our reach, but what isn’t.. getting into shape, planning trips, enjoying time together. Also, having a gorgeous dog, use your potential baby name on him and watch him grow and love you, little Thiago my miniature Jack Russell has helped us so much.
4. What are the positives (gifts) for you of not having children?
Not having children means we get to be selfish! Selfish with our money, our time, our energy. We are in control, not the fertility doctors. We work hard and can play harder, looking after each other and no one else.
5. What has not having children made possible for you?
We’ve started travelling the world as I can work so much harder with no children and the possibilities are endless. It doesn’t have to be child safe, we can explore anywhere. Instead of buying an ovulation map, we have bought a world map and plan to have a pin in every country!
6. Is there anything missing in your life? (and what do you plan to do about it?)
The only thing missing is the bonds I had with friends, I can’t relate to them and do things with them like I used to but that’s their loss. I’m still the woman I’ve always been and if the only thing we’d have in common is taking our kids to then soft play its fine.
7. How are you different now (who are you now)?
I’ve realised my own strength as a woman. I can’t do what every woman is naturally meant to be able to do and I’m okay with it because it makes me no less of a woman. They have their battle wounds in the outside from giving birth. Well I carry mine on the inside in my heart and we are both powerful but in different ways.
8. What advice would you give to women who are not as far down the road as you are?
Don’t give up on your dream but don’t let it consume you please. You are the same woman you were before this and if you can’t carry on your family name, make sure you’re unforgettable! Stay strong, stay positive and if all else fails stay sane. Don’t push your husband away, you are both going through pain and need each other, decide together the best route and journey it together hand in hand.
9. What brings you joy/what’s your passion?
My passion is to be a writer, to help people and both of these things bring me joy. My husband and my dog bring me joy when I walk through the door and they’re so happy to see me. Planning holidays and nights out brings me joy. Sitting at home, lying in bed on my day off with not a care in the world brings me joy.
10. What’s your 6 word memoir?
Infertile and in control
You can read Hayley’s blog here .
What do you think?
How did this story resonate with you?
Would you have liked to know about your infertility at 22?
Please share your comments below to help other women.
Taking control of my story and really owning it changed my life. If you’d like to do that but it’s too much of a challenge right now, check out the Let Go and Move On Programme and see how it can help you.
And if you’re ready to share your inspirational story, please drop me a line.
I was diagnosed at 17 having knew something was wrong from 11. In my early twenties wasting university time surfing the net, I found a quote to live by:
“He has achieved success who has has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent persons and affection of little children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty.
To find the best in others; to give one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed win enthusiasm and sung with exaltation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived – this is to have succeeded.”
Ralph Waldorf Emerson abridged of Bessie A. Stanley of Lincoln, 1905.
The challenge is for the rest of the world to accept and support you. I garden but I failed to complete law school for my thoughts were to radical. I now volunteer with charities.
Anon that quote is beautiful and you sound pretty similar to myself, I left law school took but your positivity is amazing, it’s a constant struggle but if we can find the positive it’s such an achievement. Thanks for your comment
Apologies for the poor syntax. It is emotional for me. Living the last twenty years has made me realise how hard it is for women, the introverted, the disabled, those without or lower than they are capable school grades or consistent work to be recognised for their true capabilities. The world is changing though. Be your best self!
I appreciate that it is emotional for you , and thanks so much for posting.
The world is indeed changing, yay to being your best self.
The world is a tough place. My husband is physically and mentally disabled as well as us being infertile but hopefully together we can make a difference. Being your best self is all you can be. Being strong when strong is the only option makes you realise what you can deal with.
I was born with a condition called Turner’s syndrome, an abnormality of the X chromosome, which meant that I am short in stature (4’7 1/2) and that my ovaries didn’t develop properly.
I was delivered the bombshell at the age of 13 by the surgeon, who very matter of factly said I wouldn’t be able to have children. The most difficult thing for me was not being able to process the information at such a young age. What thirteen year old is thinking about fertility issues?
I focussed on my studies and sport, and eventually moved out to France in my mid twenties where I met my husband. We underwent four attempts at ivf, but unfortunately none of the embryos implanted.
With the help of a therapist, I am working on moving on. I have just been offered a conditional teacher training position which I have been working towards over the last eight years old and love travelling with my husband.
Thanks Karen, I’m pleased that you’ve been offered a new position and I hope it works out for you, Lesley
What an inspirational young women Hayle is I wish there would have been someone like her when I was younger. As we move along the path we are on, the positive become easier to find and the more at ease we are with ourselves. I still wish for that bond between mother and child something that I will never experience, something I still envy at times when I see it between others, something that I need to work on myself. I am so glad that you are all here to tell your story to the world, allowing the word childlessness to become less of a taboo subject and educating the world that it is ok to be different.
Thank you Debbie, your comment means a lot & I know it will to Hayley too.
I’m a firm believer that we heal through story and I’m so pleased that these resonate with you.
Thank you so much for your comment Debbie. It really does mean a lot to me. Not going to lie, my heart is bursting with pride right now. Of course I would love to be a mother too, but we can’t control that. I’m sure you have dark days like I do too but just got to look around and be grateful for everything we have been blessed with. We are stronger together 🙂